Day Off

One day, Johnson went to see his supervisor in his office. "Boss," he said, "we're doing some heavy housecleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with moving and hauling stuff all day."

"Sorry, Johnson," the boss replied. "We're short-handed right now. I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," Johnson beamed. "I knew I could depend on you!"

Hi, Joe

A sales rep was sitting in an airport's VIP lounge when he noticed Bill Gates sitting across the room.

The sales rep walked over to the billionaire and said, "Sir, I'm a sales representative and I'm waiting here to meet with one of my clients. This client is a very important one, and I need to impress him at any cost to close the deal."

"What can I do to help you?" Gates asked.

"When I'm talking with my client, could you just come over, tap me on the shoulder and say, 'Hi, Joe'?" asked the rep.

"Sure," Gates replied. "No problem."

A few minutes later, the client arrived. The sales rep and his client were talking when Gates walked over, tapped the rep on the shoulder and said, "Hi, Joe."

"Get lost, Gates!" yelled the rep. "I'm in a meeting!"

Boat Race

A group of Americans and a group of Japanese decided to have a boat race. Both teams practiced long and hard, but on the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. Discouraged by the loss, the American team's morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

The consultant's finding: the Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering, while the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions of dollars spent analyzing the problem, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, however, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

Three Envelopes

Wilson was hired as the new CEO of a large corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes: #1, #2 and #3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Things went smoothly at first, but after six months, sales dipped and Wilson was feeling the pressure. Suddenly, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

Wilson called a press conference the next day and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company began experiencing some serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." So he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Wison went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes..."

Late Sleeper

Greg had great difficulty waking up in time for work each morning. His constant tardiness angered his boss, who threatened to fire Greg if he didn't do something about it.

So, Greg visited his doctor, who gave him some pills and told him to take one before he went to bed.

That night, Greg took a pill as the doctor instructed and slept very well -- so well, in fact, that he beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast, took his time driving to work and still arrived early.

"Boss, that pill really worked!" Greg exclaimed proudly.

"That's wonderful," growled the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

Finally!

After being laid off from five different jobs in the past year, Ralph was hired by a warehouse.

Unfortunately, one day he lost control of the forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said, "I'm sorry, Ralph, but I'm going to have to withhold 10% of each of your paychecks until we have enough to pay back the damage."

"How much will it cost?" Ralph asked.

"About $5,000," the owner replied.

"Finally!" Ralph exclaimed. "Job security!"

Business Troubles

A businessman found himself in a crisis. He'd put everything he had into his business, and it was failing miserably. He owed everyone. It was so bad that he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort, he went to see a priest and told him his sad story.

When he had finished, the priest said, "This is what I want you to do: put a beach chair and your Bible in your car, and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the chair and place the Bible on your lap. Open the Bible and let the wind rifle the pages until the book comes to rest on one page. Look down at that page and read the very first thing you see. That will be your answer. That will tell you what to do."

A year later, the businessman returned to the priest and brought his wife with him. The man was dressed in a new custom-tailored suit, while his wife wore a gorgeous mink coat and a diamond necklace. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket and gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

Recognizing the man, the priest asked, "Did you do as I suggested?"

"I did," replied the man.

"You went to the beach and sat in a beach chair with the Bible on your lap?" the priest asked.

"Yes," said the man.

"You allowed the pages to rifle until they stopped?" the priest inquired.

"Absolutely," the man said.

"And what were the first words you saw?" asked the curious priest.

The man replied, "Chapter 11."

Life After Death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees one morning.

"Yes, sir," the employee replied, a bit confused.

"Well then, I have good news," the boss went on. "Yesterday, after you left early to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, a human resources representative asked a recent MBA graduate, "What starting salary were you looking for?"

The grad replied, "In the neighborhood of $150,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 6 weeks vacation, 20 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Ferrari?"

The MBA grad sat straight up and exclaimed, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Three Parrots

A man went into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot on the left costs $500."

"Why so much?" asked the man.

The shop owner replied, "Well, that parrot knows how to use a computer."

The man then asked about the next parrot, and she shopkeeper said that that one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

The increasingly startled man asked about the third parrot, and the shop owner said that it costs $2,000. Intrigued, the man asked, "What can it do?"

The shop owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him 'boss'."

Alligator Pool

A CEO throwing a party took his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO had the largest swimming pool any of them had ever seen. The huge pool, however, was filled with hungry alligators. The CEO said to his executives, "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So, this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give them anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees an Assistant Vice President in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodged the alligators left and right and made it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulled himself out just as a huge alligator snapped at his shoes.

The flabbergasted CEO approached the VP and said, "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like it in my life! You are brave beyond measure, and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you."

The VP, panting for breath, looked up and said, "Well, you can tell me who the heck pushed me in the pool!!"

New Cashier

The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to the final two applicants. The first one he interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. He was a nice young man, but a bit timid. The second applicant, Jim Johnson, was a burly young man who seemed quite sure of himself. "He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided on the spot to hire him.

He told the first applicant that he could go and that they would let him know. Turning to Johnson, he said, "Jim, I like the way you carry yourself. That's an important asset for the job of cashier. However, you must be precise. I notice you didn't fill out the part on the application where we asked for your formal education."

Jim looked a little confused, so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?"

"Oh," replied Jim. "Yale."

"That's excellent!" exclaimed the manager. "You're hired!"

"Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?" asked the boss.

"I don't care," replied the new cashier. "Yim, or Mr. Yohnson."

College Graduate

A young man landed a job at a supermarket and reported for his first day of work. When he arrived, the manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile and handed him a broom.

"Your first job will be to sweep out the store," the manager said.

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry; I didn't realize," said the manager. "Here, I'll show you how it's done."

Light Bulbs

How many executives does it take to change a light bulb?

• None, they like to keep employees in the dark.
• Twelve. Eleven to meet to discuss if it needs changing, and one to tell an employee to change it.
• "You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!"