You can't see them, but ninjas are everywhere.

No longer limited to sneaking into fortresses and assassinating feudal lords, modern ninjas are integrated into society, living just like everyone else. They’re driving next to you on the freeway, standing with you in elevators, and even running their own businesses.

As these ninja businesses demonstrate, ninjas now provide a variety of the services ordinary citizens (and other businesses) use every day. In fact, there could theoretically be a ninja in your office right now carrying out a consultation, investigating a network error, or delivering someone’s lunch, and you would never be aware of it. Check out this list of real ninja businesses to see what else they could be doing….

Corporate Assassinations – Obviously, ninjas will market the skills they know how to do best. Founded by practicing ninja Bjorn Lundstrom (along with several partners who are now deceased), Ninjalistics is an assassination firm whose aim is to help companies dispose of whistleblowers, journalists, union reps and other undesirables silently and cleanly. They even take care of all of the paperwork. How many people they’ve successfully assassinated will probably never be fully known, but they do keep an updated news stream dedicated to the ninja community.

Ninja Tech Support – Ninja Support Services prides itself on using its ninja employees’ well-honed quickness and blinding efficiency to solve network and server problems, including setup, maintenance and backup. One client observed that their network problem was solved four minutes and thirty-eight seconds before it occurred.

Ninja Search Engine – It’s like Google, but with more darkness. Like Google, Ninja.com scours the entire Web for your search query and brings back every related page, sorted by relevance, in less than a second. Unlike Google, Ninja.com is powered by ninjas who physically crawl the Web themselves, working one at a time in 36-hour shifts and using their own judgment to determine relevance.

Ninja Dictionary – Ninja Words is similar to other online dictionaries like Reference.com and Merriam-Webster, but is lightning-quick, with a definition returned in usually under a second. This is most likely due to the Spartan layout of the site and the absence of bandwidth-hogging ads and other page-cluttering words, but is probably also due to lightning-quick ninja reflexes. We’re told that in the course of a word search, the operating ninja actually looks up the queried word in Ninja.com, reads the definition and types it out in real time for the user. With one hand.
(Ed: Ninja Words was recently required by Apple to censor their iPhone app, to avoid the accidental annihilation of innocent iPhone users.)

Ninja Web Design – The fact that ninjas have thought to apply their speed, accuracy and flawless technical skills to Web design should give Cubicle Ninjas a fighting chance as your company’s next Web designers. Their colorful, appealing portfolios are complemented by the fact that each of their Web pages can punch through a cement wall.

Ninja Mexican Food – Those ninjas who could not give up working with knives took up employment at Taco Ninja, the Columbus, Ohio Mexican food joint that (we suspect) kills its meat as you’re ordering it. The ninja star-shaped chips make the food look promising, though reviews make it seem as if the college kids delivering it aren’t quite as disciplined as their ninja employers.

Ninja Burgers – Ninja Burger is the secretive, somewhat intimidating burger franchise located everywhere except Detroit, where customer service includes committing seppuku, or regularly threatening to commit seppuku. Though the company has locations everywhere, you cannot see them, because they are carefully disguised. They have reportedly served close to 100 million customers, though they are secretive about their customers as well. The good news is, if you choose to be a customer you are guaranteed to be happy – because if you aren’t, a ninja representative will show up at your house to “discuss” why you are not. Gulp.
(Ed: Ninja Burger is in fact a fake business, though this should not stop anyone from being mortally terrified.)

Ninja Self-Help – Even though Ask a Ninja is less like a business and more like an informative video opinion column on life, politics and social physics, it provides the most open forum to date on the things ninjas think about and discuss. Run by an improv-comedy group called Beatbox Giant, along with a ninja who is extraordinarily cranky and volatile, AskANinja.com continues to be the voice box of the ninja community. Don’t piss it off.

Know of any other ninja businesses? Rep them (carefully) in the comments below.